K's DIARY

this is my public diary. Newest --> Oldest reading order!

SCHOOL STARTED (#｀-_ゝ-) - 22/8/2026
sorry for the long ass pause again, i got sucked into Artfight and then SCHOOL STARTED!!

as you know if you've read my earlier entries, I finished HS this past summer, and I got accepted to the place I applied for! yyay. to be clear, I'm not in secondary schooling just yet (or whatever its called in english.) partly because of my complicated past with attendance along with general un-readiness to take that step right after high school, I'm now in TUVA for the next year. Now, TUVA stands for "Tutkintakoulutukseen Valmentava Koulutus" aka "Preparatory education for upper secondary education"... or something like that. I just put the name into translator because I'm fairly certain this is not a thing in the americas (the program just started around 2022) but its more or less 10th grade, except it's not but I digress. I'd link sources but there are none in english so thats all youre getting lol. but yea either way, im back in school or something adjacent.

I'm being kind of vauge partly because I still feel some shame over attending invalid education, as this is infact a program mostly for disabled people. being disabled is something I'm not ashamed of, but I do have a hard time accepting help, and when i do i dont tend to talk about it openly. part of it is due to the kind of culture my country has, we have strong values about working hard and striving for our best, and more often than not things like disability aid & mental health are seen as weaknesses or a failure of your family. I'm lucky that my immidiate and also extended family is very educated on these topics and I dont have to bear grief from them because of my choice to accept disability aid for my autism and mental health, but the culture still persists and invades my relationships despite it, especially with older relatives, whom i love but whom i also fear to disapoint by going against traditional family and work values, so in short I tend to dance around the topic of education, but I am happy where i am right now, and honestly i think everyone would benefit from an extra year of time between secondary education and 9th grade. I sure am glad I still have a year to figure out exactly wtf i wanna study and do for the next 5ish years lmao.

MATH CLASS - 15/7/2026
Looking back on it, when i was in 2th grade and struggled with math because i switched schools and my last school never taught us multiplication in first grade but my new school did and assumed that everyone had a basic understanding of what that entailed but ofc i did not so i fell behind because i was scared to ask for help and be laughed at so i never learned the multiplication table by memory and then when we had a one on one test with our teacher where we had to give the answer to multiplication calculations she gave you in real time and from memory i obviously knew i was going to fail, and sat waiting my turn so scared i was close to crying, only for when it was my turn for my teacher to look at me with a look of pity and disappointment and not ask me to calculate anything because she already knew i couldnt do it. So i just sat there in silence feeling like i was worth less than dirt with a teacher i really wanted to impress pretty much telling me there was no reason for me to even try because she already made up her mind about my skills as a 8 year old. That was like super fucked up i think, cause now i still dont know the multiplication table by heart cus everytime i think of mathematics im just in that hallway again with my teacher.

Thoughts 3# - 8/7/2026
Has anyone dreamed to speak a language they dont actually speak, and if so was it anywhere near close to the real deal? Im so curious. Ik when i was younger i definitely had some 'English Dreams' where id use english even though i wasnt fully fluent in it so it was more akin to a mimicry of what speech patterns id noticed, without any actual comprehension, like those "what X sounds to a foreigner" demonstrations.

STORYTELLING - 6/7/2026
been thinking about my story (this one) and how I wanna convey everything i want to with it. its a story that has a deadline that slowly ticks down as life progresses and everything around me continues to further decay, like I loathe to be dramatic and fatalistic but there is a nagging fear in me that I only have so much time to tell my story before either the means to do so or I myself cease to exist with the current climate. the last thing i want is to never get to tell everyone about my made up characters in my not so made up world. but also it all is not at all easy to put into words or visuals or a narrative. its all a looming presence and my most hidden awful thoughts and fears and the whole point is that THAT, whatever it is, is impossible for me to display outwards. it is going to claw its way out of my ribcage with any means neccesary though. I have no doubt that i will make it exist in some way, i just hope i get to do it in a way i can be proud of.

update! - 1/7/2026
I've been busy with finishing school (FUCK YES IM FREE FINALLY) so i havent updated this in a while. what do we think??? i dig the new formatting! it still has the same vibe as what i wanted originially but its just less shit LOL. at first I wanted to be all fancy and use tables and cels to get this side-by-side look bc apparently ive not yet learnt to keep my hubris in check. safe to say that did not work out and ive resorted back to my trusted DIV tags meanwhile. did learn how child elements work through it tho so it wasnt a complete waste of time.

ANYWAY. idk if anyone keeps count but there is more than this entry that is "new" despite not being from today yet also not being previously in here. thats cus while i havent bothered to update this, I have not shut up in the meanwhile so ive acculminated a good stack of rambling paragraphs from the past months, and I thought this is kinda the perfect place to put that shit. so just like FYI since this is manually updated, it will most definately not be a live-update sorta deal, and more a weekly/monthly check up where i dump the latest rants from my life in a multi-entry. if that makes any sense. JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR!!! im going to bed now ive been formatting this shit for 2 hours straight buh bye.

ANGER - 30/6/2026
it is so hard to not be an angry person. it is genuinely the hardest show of restraint I try and maintain because there is no justified reason for me to not be absolutely livid. i have no idea if its a facade for fear and grief, but i know if that is the case it continues to fester into violence inside me. maybe I wasnt always a angry person but i was always someone who would turn into rage because of the injustice of everything. it makes me sick and it makes me sad and most importantly it makes me want to be an spiteful and angry person.

BORING BOOKS - 12/6/2026
I think everyone shpuld read some books that they dont particularly enjoy or like. Like not in the “I genuinely find this upsetting” way but like some stuff that you arent the target audience for and thus dont find that engaging. Like it strengthens your understanding of what you DO like.

Example; im reading a book about a whats it like raising an infant, written in the 40s. Its not horror and it doesnt have a wider theme beyond parenthood in the subtext, Its also not horribly sexist despite the subject matter and being written by the father, but it is still of its time and nothing special. All in all it is not something i would “choose” to read. But i have, partly because i got it and other books from my grandmothers old book collection, and also because it gives me perspective i wouldn’t otherwise have.

I dont know what its like to raise a child, and i still dont after reading, but i do now at least know how others who do know write and describe it. I can see into other peoples worlds and lives, their experiences and opinions and how they all justify it and why some things matter to them and others dont, and that is super neat. It just requires me reading some literature that i dont particularly care about. Which is a small price, especially when there is a lot of well written fiction in tropes/themes that i otherwise dont enjoy.

Thoughts 2# - 21/5/2026
taking perscipsion drugs is always kinda insane. like the thing i take with my breakfast toast is just meth. like im taking meth and thats like doctor orders.

Thoughts 1# - 13/5/2026
man with a god complex is the worst anime trope ever and light yagami is the only one to do it right in the history of insufferable male protagonists

SNOOPING AROUND - 22/2/2026
hi ill make a proper diary entry some day soon but for now i just wanna show you this old archived website about cats. i love how no matter how much the world changes cat memes persist. (except for 2016. im not at all surprised that godawful year did not produce a single cat meme during it.)

ive discovered true gems.

STRESSED! - 13/02/2026
not gonna be a super long entry today, ive been dizzy all day despite actually eating well. (i forget to. its a huge problem) its very annoying and its bad enough that i dont really have the energy to do anything but its mild enough that im still very bored just laying in bed all day. would've loved to read today but i wont put myself through the torture that reading portrait of dorian gray while not at my 100% mental capacity probaby would be. i adore that books poetic tone but i cannot read it while not fully paying attention. maybe its a stress response? can that be a side affect? the application timeframe is approaching and I'm not really all that prepared. past me did not think to read up on which academy i wanted to fucking apply to until 2 weeks before timefrme. but yea lmao, im honestly not doing all that bad despite all the whining i just did. im pretty confident with my future but ive just got a LOOOT going on. coding this place has been a good way to destress and get my mind off of the looming threat of graduating HS. bc wow. 13 year old me was full of shit when he said he wanted to be an adult im not ready i wanna switch places with him LMOA..

MORE CODING YAPPER - 9/02/2026
back with a new entry yayyy. ive been focusing on school work today so i havent done much else, but yesterday i spend the whole day setting up my sideblog on tumblr. I'm going to use it for posting webgraphics and i wanted to make it look cool at first so i hunted down a cute custom blog theme and spend the day changing hex colours and choosing the perfect backgrounds and favicons to make it perfect. some day ill code a html theme from scratch, but i cant be bothered rn lol. anyway if u wanna take a look at its at dead-graphics.tumblr.com !! lmk what u think

FIRST ENTRY (coding nerd talk + PCOS) - 7/02/2026
I sat down with my laptop with the INTEND to write this entry...like 3 hours ago. but I instead got fixated on fully finishing the decorations on this page even tho this is very likely a temporary format etcetc.. coding tends to do that to me, like ive been coding daily, because its just so fun but it is kinda taking over my whole life like if i open neocities after midday i am very unlikely to close it until late into the night. its seriously insane. i havent even drawn in like a WEEK.

but anyway. so I did have a original thing i wanted to write about before i got derailed, but a side tangent never really hurt anyone. (it has. you dont wanna see my creative writing.) BUUT that topic was some irl shit that has been going on, aka kinda finding out i might be intersex?? I say kinda because i dont have a diagnosis (for PCOS), but i did get told that theres a pretty good chance its what i got when i went to an exam cus ill be so real I have NEVER had a consistent cycle and i got my period when i was abt 10. im still young enough that its pretty much a waiting game, seeing if my period normalises etc, but I also have many of the other symptoms associated with the syndrome, mainly the physical tells of excess androgen in my system- but ill be honest with you i am not at alll mad about. like i get free T guys lmfao. also weight gain and shortness is common and guess whos insultingly short and not a twink. (meikäläinen tietty)

now ofc, I'm not gonna go self diagnosing hormone syndromes...but also thats kinda what ill do to be so real. cus with stuff about my body, and my mind, wether it be luck or actual self reflection, I have yet to have been wrong in my own conclusions. tbh a lot of things in my life follow the pattern of me suspecting something, and then getting my theory confirmed. i imagine im probably very fucking insuffurable to be around because god knows I will be a smug bitch about winning debates but in my defense i keep being fucking right every damn time so ive kinda earned it. back to the original topic; POCS would explain so much about my body, like theres so much small stuff that ive always kinda wondered about, stuff that ive kinda always thought might be a 'intersex' thing, but without any concrete evidence i just kinda ignored. its hard to tell myself not to be kinda elated, because the thought of me not "actually being a girl" is feeding my ever presistent internalised transphobia, along with the rest of me which very VERY badly wants to start hormone therapy already. like in one hand obviously my outer body does not make me any less of a guy no matter if i was like textbook definition of a "human female" and its not healthy for my own self worth to think being intersex would somehow make me more of a guy than i already was. but on the other hand. it would be SO fucking validating. in both to have a word for the diffrences in my body and also a real physical part of me like, rejecting my assinged role like i do internally. ofc thats not how PCOS actually does, its me romanticising of my own dysphoria, but it is kinda all i can do to express my identity in my flesh that isnt jsut clothing or hair.
the reality of PCOS is not all positive ofc, and i am aware of the cons, but regardless i find it interesting how much my own sense of self has been affected by the possibility. i dont think of myself as a dysphoric person yet i clearly am deeply uncomfortable with the labels i still feel I owe to forgive others for using.

welp. thats it for the first diary entry. these are supposed to be unfiltered thought to screen writings so excuse any incoherence. this is a good outlet for me to wordvomit a few pages of my nonsense thoughts into actual text when I just HAVE to talk about something but dont exactly want to unload on the people in my life. really i dont think i even really want to have a conversation on my own ponderins most of the time, its just catarthic to get it all out sometimes. now granted i also just like to hear myself talk, but thats beyond the point lmao.